steveprattfamily.com The adventures of the Pratt family in Vancouver - Steve, Lisa, Cedar, Dawson, and Sandy (the dog).

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Posted under Rant

It’s true.  I discovered the sad, ugly truth this weekend.  The Maggot has been playing games behind my back… with several of my closest friends.  And all of it has been cloaked under a veil of secrecy, designed to keep me in the dark.

This is the man at the epicenter of it all: Clax Vandle (not his real name - more on that in a minute…)

I USED to consider him one of my best friends.  You see, I was under the impression that Clax hated and despised Facebook and had decided to never join.  However, due to several factors (including alcohol), it came to my attention this weekend that he is indeed on Facebook using the pseudonym of ‘Clax Vandle’ in place of his real name (which will now remain anonymous).

THEN I found out that he has been ‘friends’ with my wife on Facebook for almost a month… as ‘Clax.’

And THEN I found out that the two of them have been playing Scrabulous games online since he joined!!!  (AND my wife only invited me to play Scrabulous last week!!!)  THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

And THEN I discovered that my wife has been playing Scrabulous with several of my other friends, none of whom have ever invited ME to play Scrabulous.  THIS IS A DOUBLE OUTRAGE!

You think you know someone and then they stab you in the heart with a virtual scrabble tile.  My wife is a Facebook floozie.  A two-timing social networking tart.

And I am a cuckold.  A Scrabulous-ed, Facebooked, friendless cuckold.

Posted under Family, Humour, Rant, Web/Tech

My wife recently found an article in one of local community newspaper, The Vancouver Courier, that she saved and presented to my parents as a joke.  It’s a column called “On The Senior Side” that came from a section called “The Seniors Report” and it nearly killed all of us with laughter.  BUT, the sad thing is that the article is entirely serious and meant to be useful to society’s elders.  So let’s get to the dirt…
The article lists a series of 12 resolutions that might be appropriate for seniors and even though it may be a lot of text to quote directly from an article, this is too rich to do anything but provide you with the full list.  (my comments on each resolutions are in italics - otherwise, these are the verbatim suggested resolutions)

1. Live without fear. (of dying)
2. Make lists no matter what. (because you’re senile and will forget everything if you don’t)
3. Call family, a friend, or a neighbour each day to let them know how you are. (because you’re senile, frail, and a stubborn old coot who will perish if others don’t look out for you)
4. Do gentle knee bends even if you need to hold on to a chair. (don’t listen to your friends who badger you because holding onto a chair is for pansies…)
5. Clean out a drawer every 4-5 weeks. (just to mix things up and add some spice to your life)
6. Do not run for buses, let them go. (running for buses is one of the most common “senior mistakes”)
7. Learn how to ask for help.
8. Obtain a night light and remember to turn it on. (I don’t even know what to say about this one except that this could also easily fit on a list of resolutions for my 4 year old daughter)
9. Read funny books - literature that makes you laugh. (like Marmaduke and Family Circus)
10. Wear those new clothes, don’t save them for special occassions. (like your impending funeral)
11. Use the good dishes. (because you will die soon - this could be your last chance to use them)
12. Nap when you want to. (you get up at 4:30am every day - you deserve your naps, no matter what your bratty grandchildren say)

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And one last classic bit from this article, even though it’s not on the list of resolutions -  early on, the author reveals that the Babylonians were the originators of creating new year’s resolutions.  This information is credited to a VERY reliable source - “Jerry Wilson (a webmaster)”.    Why is “Jerry Wilson (a webmaster)” a reliable source worth quoting on the subject of resolutions?  Because he’s a webmaster (a profession that has nothing to do with academics, history, resolutions, or seniors)?
I can officially say that this is one of most unintentionally funny articles written in many years.  That is, according to Phil Jarvis (longshoreman).

Posted under Rant

Here’s a positive way that the City of Vancouver is helping to ring in the New Year - by having Animal Control staff at public beaches making sure that dogs are all on-leash.  What a complete waste of time!  We were out at Kits Beach the other day and were accosted by a woman from Animal Control about Sandy being off her leash.  Okay, in the summer, I get it - people on the beach swimming and sunbathing don’t want to have to contend with dogs.  But these are pictures of the beach minutes after she scolded us…

We watched as she wandered down the COMPLETELY DESERTED beach looking for more dog owners to harass.  God forbid a 13 pound eskipoo is let loose on the unsuspecting sand!  Hey Animal Control - lay off in the winter and go do something useful and productive.  Go euthanize a few pitbulls!  Or better yet, grab a big plastic bag and a shovel and help clean up the dog turds left in the parks.

Posted under Rant, Sandy The Dog, Vancouver

Many of you who have read this blog will know that both Cedar and Dawson are very picky eaters.  (Technically, even though he is 13 months old, Dawson is not really ‘an eater’ as he has still yet to consume any solid food…).  Cedar’s diet consists of macaroni and cheese, corn flakes, milk, yoghurt, granola, fruit bars, apple juice, waffles, and the occassional scrambled egg.  She refuses to eat anything else.
Tonight, we decided to take a different approach - we would cook her a regular meal of noodles, but in order to get it, she would have to try one small spoonful of whatever Lisa and I were eating.
The first meal was sweet & sour spareribs with rice.  We went easy on her and only gave her rice with sauce on it - no meat at all.  However, she still screamed for 20 minutes.  It felt like our own little Abu Ghraib, like we were waterboarding our own child.  We teased her by showing her the noodles she could eat.  No dice.   We tried all sorts of logic games, pleading, and outright begging. No dice.   We packed up the noodles and threatened to put them in the fridge
because clearly no one was going to get to eat them tonight.  THAT got her attention!  She quickly shoved three pieces of rice into her mouth and began dry heaving and spitting them out.  I again moved to put the noodles in the fridge and she shoved the rice back in and downed it.  30 seconds later, she was totally back to normal and enjoying her noodles.   She even said she liked the rice.
However, are we training her to be freaked out by food?  And what are our other options?  We’ve been waiting three years for her to try something different, giving her lots of choice and power over her diet (within reason) and nothing has worked.  What’s more important - her health or her attitude towards food? (keep in mind that she has basically never eaten a vegetable or any meat).
Kids.  They keep finding new ways to make you insane, especially when you’re trying to do something with their best interests in mind.

Posted under Children, Rant

So last night, we headed back home from Toronto to Vancouver with Lisa, myself, Dawson and Cedar.  It was a wee bit of a disaster.

The flight was scheduled for 5pm.  We all got on board and sat.  And sat.  And sat.   Apparently the cargo door was broken.  They couldn’t fix it.  So we had to get off and wait an hour and a half to get on a new plane.  By this time, it was about 6:30 and, as anyone who has young children knows,  that is ‘the witching hour’. 

They ran around, peed and screamed until we got on board.  Once we were finally airborne, we got a long awaited drink – no free booze though, even though the flight was a disaster (what’s with Air Canada no longer giving out free booze for horrid flights that are entirely their fault?).  Within 30 seconds of getting a full glass of Coke, Dawson, with reflexes like a cobra, snapped out his arm and dumped the drink all over my seat and my pants.  Below the belt, I was entirely wet and sticky. (That doesn’t sound right…)

After cleaning up, Cedar fell asleep quickly but Dawson continued to force himself to stay awake by screaming.  I put him in a baby carrier and wandered the aisles, trying to calm him down and avoid the wrath of everyone watching the movie.  He screamed and screamed and screamed.  And then he puked.   All over my shirt.  Covered it.  I went back to our seats and Lisa cleaned me up with about a pound of napkins and THEN he finally went to sleep. 

The rest of the flight was fine.  However, this morning, both kids were up before 5am because of the time change.  And I’m writing this from an airplane headed BACK to Toronto.  Sometimes, I truly loathe traveling.

Posted under Children, Rant

For the last several weeks, I’ve been wrestling with pangs of frustration and couldn’t figure out why.  Then one night after the kids had both gone to bed and Lisa was out at a knitting night with her friends, it hit me.  I had absolutely nothing to do and couldn’t think of anything fun that WOULD be fun to do. 

And THEN I realized something scary - I no longer have any hobbies.  I don’t socialize with anyone anymore.  I sporadically play tennis, which is fun, but ending with the rainy season imminent.  Otherwise, I don’t play any sports anymore.  The only things I do for enjoyment are watching TV, watching DVDs, and surfing the web.   I can’t BELIEVE how pathetic that sounds.  Actually, it doesn’t just sound pathetic – it IS pathetic.  At the end of my next resume, I will have to leave the ‘Personal Interests / Hobbies’ section at the end totally blank.

But here’s the deal.  I don’t think it’s because I’m a total sadsack loser.  We live in Vancouver, which is really expensive.  I have a great job, which I need to pay to live here, but I work long hours.   Lisa is at home taking care of two kids and is completely fried and burnt out by the time I get home, so going out to do something after work give me severe guilts and is unfair to her and the kids.  AND, with the kids not in bed until 8pm, I’ve only got two hours to eat dinner, clean up, and try and find something fun / relaxing / creative to do before I’m totally spent and pass out. 

On the other hand, I think if I don’t find a fun outlet somewhere, sometime, I’ll go mental.  Sudoku, anyone?

Posted under Children, Rant

So we had our first two-kid camping trip and while the weekend was awesome, our packing skills were not.  First up, Dawson had NO shoes at all.  For camping.  So our 10 month old had bare feet and/or socks in a rocky, wet, and muddy campground for three days. Our best solution was to tie plastic bags around his feet - he looked like a tiny hobo. Sweet.

As soon as we showed up and set up the tent, it began to rain torrentially.  That’s when we realized that we forgot all our rain gear at home.  Awesome.

At bedtime, we discovered that no one had brought pillows.  (I had a severe neck cramp for two days, but unfortunately, we forgot to pack advil!)

In the middle of night, it became clear that we didn’t bring enough warm sleeping gear - we checked the forecast in Kamloops, which is only 40km from our Lac-Le-Jeune campground, but what the weather doesn’t tell you is that Kamloops is in a desert-like valley, while Lac-Le-Jeune is up in the mountains.  At night, it went down to near freezing.  I know, because I was partially frozen all night.

Lesson learned - make a list before you leave!  (Oops - we did that and still forgot everything…)

Now I’m not one to lay blame, but all of this is entirely the Maggot’s fault.

Posted under Children, Rant, Travel